i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize