I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.