did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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