The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Randomize