Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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