I like to think it a success when the cops are called
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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