I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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