when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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