And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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