He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
