This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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