we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
