Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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