I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
