i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
