I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
