I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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