I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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