I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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