We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize