then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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