You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
