I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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