The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
