Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
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