it was like having sex with a tree stump
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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