im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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