Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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