Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So squirting runs in the family.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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