Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache