Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
