i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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