We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
