Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
where are you?
Hypothermia
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
