i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
