hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
