I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
