He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
They have beer where we have blood.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
