I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
home. puking in laundry basket.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
