got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
