I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
