i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
