Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
