the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
