Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She bit a glass in half.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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