searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
