I am midnight drunk by noon
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
