you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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