Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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