He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
