Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
