just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
