You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize