Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
